Time is Broken

Archive: Jul 2017

Thoughts

Named

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I could be writing. Right now. That’s the thought that has been bothering me from the back of my mind whenever I’m at home lately. It’s the thought I’ve been trying to name for months now as the nausea and restlessness have intensified. I figured maybe it was stress about the debt or anxiety about work. Or maybe it was more personal; Was I afraid I wasn’t living up to the ideal of a man or that my wife deserved more from me? But I know it’s not any of those, really.

I could be writing. Right now.

It pops up when I’m watching Netflix or reading a comic book. It’s even louder when I’m absorbed in some silly game on my phone or disappearing into the internet for a few hours. I could be writing, right now, and instead I’m doing something that is conspicuously not writing. So why don’t I do it? Why does that last question bring tears to my eyes every time I ask it? I say I want to write, I dream of being a writer, I have so many fantastic story ideas already sketched out. So why don’t I write?

There’s pain. I haven’t worked out yet where it comes from, or if I have I’m doing a great job of feigning ignorance. Did something happen in my childhood that has me spooked? Did my recent business failure scar me more deeply than I realize? Is there some ingrained belief that doesn’t allow me to express my creativity and show it to the world with my name on it?

Is this what a failed writer feels like?

Advice

Nowhere else

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There are two basic problems when it comes to spirituality, and people usually have at least one of them. Some of us have trouble being here, and others have trouble being now.

Being here means connecting with the physical world around you. Getting out of your head and quieting the daydreaming mind. Seeing through the stories about the way things are and noticing it yourself. It’s about awareness. Awakeness.

Being now means enjoying and accepting the present moment, as is. Recognizing the difference between a goal and a necessity. Release of petty concerns and a liberating lack of needs. Contentedness.

One is no easier to achieve than the other. The journey to either of these states is measured in months and more likely years. Many of us will tackle both of these problems at once, others not at all. Your mileage may vary.

I find that meditation helps to keep me connected to both the here and the now. While on my meditation rug, I remember that the story I’ve created about how I’m such a burden on my friends is hogwash and that I don’t need to tell it to myself anymore. When I set aside time in my day to just sit still, I think of my wife or my cats or my home and realize again that my life circumstances are amazing and I don’t need anything else to be happy. Daily meditation has a specific place and a specific time in my life so it naturally checks both boxes.

It is difficult and demanding to begin or deepen a meditation practice, but its fruits are focus and harmony. Happiness can only be found here and now.